Self Love

As Angie says we, in America especially, have warped views of love. I recently read a book titled "Screamfree Parenting".(http://screamfree.com/) I needed to brush up, now with this little one here to try the patients of any saint. (of which I am far from) It is a really good book about keeping your cool while parenting. Mainly it has the "place the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the child that is traveling with you" stance on child rearing. The author mentions that "the Dalai Lama Spoke of a conference he had attended back in the early 1990s. This was a conference of Western psychiatrists and psychologists discussing the issues of self-hatred. The Dalai Lama said that for the first hours of listening to these doctors, he thought his broken English was failing him. He asked himself and others, "Are they really saying 'self-hadred?" He said he had never in his vast experience in Eastern philosophy and politics, even considered the notion of self-hatred. But here these doctors were speaking as if it were a very common, even epidemic condition in the West. The Dalai Lama had no folder in his mind to categorize this human experience."

At the end of the book the author (Hal Edward Runkel) discribes the philosophy of a French monk, Bernard of Clairveaux, who wrote about love a thousand years ago in a work called "The Four Degrees (or levels) of Love. His particular question was how to balance a love for self and a love for God, but the author thinks it is extremely helpful in learning how to balance all of our relationships. I really liked what he had to say. Here are the four levels. I think level four is what we should all be striving for.

1. I love me for my benefit - According to Bernard, this is the most selfish and the most infantile of the four levels. The practitioner of this level thinks, "I care for my interests alone and I am only interested in results that immediatlely and ultimately benefit me.
2. I love you for my benefit - Bernard believed this is where most of us dwell, particularly in our relationships. Someone stuck at this level operates like this "I love you and care for you because I recieve validation knowing I add value to my life. I love you because I need to in order to feel right, safe, strong. worthy."
3. I love you for your benefit - Bernard stated this level is deceptive because it appears to be the highest level of love and the most beneficial to the world. "I am selfless in that I am here for you; I am here to serve you. I am here to serve you and my concerns and motives do not come into the picture at all."
4. I love me for your benefit - A person operating at this level says "I love me, work on me and build myself up so I can come to you from a position of wholeness, a position of fullness. I take care of me so you don't have to. From fullness I can then empty myself, my gifts, my love, my actons, for your ultimate benefit. I am the only one in charge of me and I am the one ultimately responsible for me and my wellbeing. Therefore, as a steward of my greatest gift, my life, I need to take steps to ensure my health, my calmness of mind, my sanity, and my own validation as a person in the world. Thus, I can free you from having to provide those things for me. Thus I can truly serve you without needing you to serve me."

The author then says; "Think of how this might radically change your relationships with your kids. You seek out your own validation from within yourself and from your Creator so that regardless of how your children feel, behave, talk, or think, you are okay and still committed to them. Think of the power of saying with all you actions, "I take care of me so that you don't have to. I don't need you to appreciate me or validate me in order for me to still take care of you."

Loving yourself first is the only true way to be ScreamFree, because it is the only way to seek first your own calm. It is the only way to truly benefit your kids without burdening them with the need to benefit you. It is not their job, nor anyone else's, to meet your emotional and physical needs. As an adult, one who is responsible to so many others you love, it is up to you to pursue your own emotional fulfillment. This doesn't mean you don't ever need other people, not by a long shot. But it does mean your life and your health is up to you. The sooner you embrace that truth and embrace the calling to love yourself first, the sooner you can truly serve all those around you, especially your kids."

I think that this works for your spouse, and all of our other relationships too.

Memorial Day Campout

For years now Brandy has gone camping with her friends over the three day weekend of Memorial day. And for years it has rained or snowed. This year did not disappoint. Only this year Brandy didn't want to deal with the mess and discomfort since it would also involve Taylor. So she decided not to go. Boy was she glad she had made that choice since it snowed like a blizzard. Thank goodness it only lasted over the week end and now we are having, go ahead and plant your garden, weather. We are picking weeds and racking leaves etc. and it is hard work, but very rewarding. It's getting nice enough to eat meals out on the patio, and I for one just love it.